Anglicanorum Coetibus – the Film

It was announced this morning that Martin Scorsese is to direct a new feature film on the Ordinariate movement in the Church. He has been reported as stating that he has still to decide whether the film is to be a comedy or a tragedy – but whatever he decides, it is bound to have a significant thriller element.

One of the key documentary storylines will be the increased weight of the Liverpuddlian lobby in the Vatican. Alongside Liverpool-born Cardinal Vincent Nichols, who has agreed to play himself in the film, and the expected appointment as cardinal of another Liverpool priest, the current Secretary for Relations with States, Archbishop Paul Gallagher, the film begins with the surprise announcement of a red hat for our very own Ordinary, Mgr Keith Newton, who for the benefit of the film will be renamed “Newman” and played by North-Western actor Daniel Craig (the role of his beautiful wife will be given to Jennifer Lopes, a distant relative of the US Bishop Ordinary).

nichols  gallagher  newton

Newton/man’s appointment brings the Liverpool contingent in the College of Cardinals to an influential 2%, paving the way for a Scouse pontiff in the next Conclave. (Scorsese is already considering a sequel film, “The Pope’s Wife”).

The election of Cardinal Newman as Pope Benedict XVII (with two Popes emeriti in his back garden) brings about a tsunami of receptions into the Church of Anglicans of all hues, and an explosion of the number of Ordinariates, including in many parts of Africa, in India and Oceania.

To cries of “Benedetto” the new pontiff lands at Lakenheath-Walsingham International Airport and later ceremonially dedicates the newly-rebuilt Walsingham Priory and receives King William V and Queen Catherine and their five children into the Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham, in the presence of the new Roman Catholic Archbishop of Canterbury, Cardinal Nichols.


(P.S. Note added on 2nd April: By the way, yesterday was April Fools’ Day – although we are in fact eagerly awaiting a suitable acknowledgement of Mgr. Keith’s achievements)

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One Response to Anglicanorum Coetibus – the Film

  1. Edwin Barnes says:

    And Kathy Burnham is to be the first female Jewish Cardinal since Our Lady (who was, of course, Cardinal in pectore during Peter’s Pontificate)

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